How to bake a cake

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How to bake a cake:

Light oven. Get out bowls, spoons, measuring cups and ingredients. Grease the pan. Have all the kids in camp crack nuts. Remove Bernie, Ron, Dick, Joe, and Paul, along with 5 coffee cups, 7 fishing lures, 4 spark plugs and 1 tackle box from the table. Measure 2 cups of flour. Hear laughter and go down by the dock in time to see the guys untying Glyn and Don's boat from the dock before they pull the dock out to Center Bar. Come back and find Ben covered in flour. Brush Ben off and measure 2 more cups of flour to replace spilled flour. Add rest of dry ingredients to flour. Hear kids screaming outside, look out window and see them running after squirrels who have stolen the walnuts. Rescue kids from squirrels, come back into kitchen and find Danny and David Tietz, along with Steve and Robbi playing a game of Pfeffer at the kitchen table. Banish them and their cards to the lodge table. Add eggs. Phone rings, yell out window for Tonya to come to the phone. Add shortening. Betty runs in, says she's got the catch of the day. Sue wants it weighed because they are having a contest against George and Helen. Kess wins the contest, his squirrel weighs more than George's Northern. Add sugar. Stir all the ingredients together. Look up just in time to see Koz's wildly served volleyball come crashing through kitchen window, landing in the middle of the cake bowl. Wash kitchen floor, wash the table, wash the walls, wash the dishes. Sylvia comes in and suggests Kim, Debbie, Donna, Doris and herself go to pick up cake at Gordy's. Everyone also decides that as long as they are in Grand Rapids they might as well play Bingo. Grab purses, load up car and go!

How to bake a cake with a baby in the house:

Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients. Remove blocks and toy autos from table. Grease pan, crack nuts. Measure two cups flour; Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby. Remeasure flour. Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor. Get another bowl. Answer doorbell. Return to kitchen. Remove baby's hands from bowl. Wash baby. Answer phone. Return. Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan. Look for baby. Grease another pan. Answer telephone. Return to kitchen and find baby. Remove baby's hands from bowl. Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it. Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table. Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes. Call baker. Lie down

How to bake a Christmas fruitcake:

First, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Assemble all of the ingredients. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat this step. Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and cream until beat. Make sure the whiskey is still okay... try another cup. Turn off the mixer. Beat six leggs and add to the bowl, then chunk in the cup of dried flut. Mix on the tuner. Throw in two quarts of flour. Gradually pour in the cow. Add 2 dried anything. If the fried druit gets struck in the beaters, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey and check it again for tonsistency. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares??? Check the whiskey again. Now sift the nutmeg and strain your nuts. Add one table. And the spoon. Of whiskee. Or something. Whatever you find left. Grease the oven. Turn the crake pan to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Pour the oven into the batter. Throw the bowl out the window. Lick the batter off the floor. Bake 300 minutes at 50 degrees. Finish the blobble of whishy and flow to bed.

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